Wednesday, 18 August 2010

You know you're extremely right-wing if...

(With apologies to the originators of the'redneck jokes' I hijacked..)

You know you're extremely right-wing if ....

You get off on the idea of people being tortured but cry about a dog being beaten – unless it's by you.

You support taxation only when it's used for arming the police and building roads.

You read about a murder and your first reaction is to want to do worse to the killer.

You line up outside courthouses in high profile trials and hit the van carrying the defendant.

You skip logic in an argument and go straight to verbal abuse.

You skip verbal abuse and go straight to kicking the crap out of your opponent or cheering when one of your meaner mates does.

You read about the practice of selling postcards of lynchings in the US and wonder where you can buy some for Xmas cards.

You think calling black people 'monkeys' is a term of endearment.

You think dropping the atom bomb on Japan was 'letting the little yellow bastards off lightly'.

You think people of mixed race are half-white when they are world class in something, half black when they are not, and all black when they are criminals.

You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.

You think 'potsmokingdolebludger' is one word.

You think cyclists who are killed by cars shouldn't have been on the road because they don't pay road tax.

You see no inherent contradiction in using the term 'do-gooder' as an insult.

You use the word 'mongrel' at least 30 times a day.

'Half-caste' to you always means 'half black'.

You think someone's an intellectual if they know the difference between 'their' and 'there'.

You use the term 'political correctness' as an insult at least 30 times a day but have absolutely no idea what it means.

You used to think the term 'feral underclass' meant a wild cat under a schoolroom.

But now you know that it's right-wing code for brown people.

Your gene pool doesn’t have a 'deep end'.

You used to think that genitalia was the name of an Italian airline.

You still think genitalia is the name of an Italian airline.

You think that the war dead really are 'glorious'.

Your idea of a political debate is to see how many personal insults you can pack into a single sentence.

You think 'agit prop' is an obnoxious rugby player.

You think clear felling tropical forest is a good thing because it means you can afford to extend your deck.

You support the right of a porn salesman to promote his sleazy products with public parades of semi naked women on motor bikes but you want to castrate rapists and lynch paedophiles..

Your sense of humour rarely clambers out of sexual innuendo but you despise 'perverts'.

You think the demand to 'use a bullet on the scumbags' is way too liberal.

You find it hard to construct a sentence without the word 'scumbag' in it.

You want to zap, shoot, flog, hang violent criminals and preserve the right to beat your kids.

You see no connection between the two attitudes or your persistent feelings of incipient rage.

You always use hyphenated words like do-gooder, bleeding-heart, liberal-leftie, touchy-feely, namby-pamby, wishy-washy, tree-hugger, feral-feminist when describing the political opposition.

You think Martin Doutre is an internationally renowned scholar and that holocaust deniers are victims of a Zionist, touchy-feely, namby-pamby, do-gooder, wishy-washy, tree-hugging, feral-feminist, liberal-left conspiracy.